dumping my heart out

I am having a really hard week and in these moments I tend to push everyone away including God. I'm just going to pour my heart out for you all. phew. ok. I got 3 years of being a normal healthy person. I don't know what healthy feels like anymore, I feel defeated. I can almost feel the war going on between God and the devil about my life and how I cope with it. Satan is sneaky as can be and he is attacking me in anyway he can, he knows my weaknesses' and man is he good at using those.


I have my  moments where I still run away from God but I've been working my way back for awhile now and I have found there is  ONLY one treatment for this syndrome. Just one. Jesus. He can take it all away with one word, speaking with power and making the enemy flee. Now He has no obligation to take this away, maybe his plan is for me to battle this for my entire life and if that is the case He is going to have to strengthen me, walk this with me side by side, and give me peace for the journey. He allowed this to happen so why would he stop being a part of it?! I know He is here but the pain is so raw and real to me right now. The tears fall today, IV's making pumping sounds, my feeding tube makes an even louder noise, I am on 25+ medications and just fighting to stay alive every single day and it  consumes me.


My only hope is in the hands of the God that created this body of mine.  My , peace, comfort, trust, faith, love,  and compassion come directly from the One who is victorious over death and eventually He will make this world perfect again with no suffering but in the meantime we are to stay in the fight. I am struggling to stay in this fight and the thought of being like this for my whole life is terrifies me. I don't know how to cope with this...forever. I just don't know.  I question God not on letting this happen but more so on why so much? Isn't POTS in itself enough? I just don't get it and it is incredibly hard to wrap my brain around. I need God to take over. I'm just discouraged.


I am asking for prayers AND encouraging verses to cling onto when I feel like there is no end.

You're shattered
Like you've never been before
The life you knew
In a thousand pieces on the floor
And words fall short in times like these
When this world drives you to your knees
You think you're never gonna get back
To the you that used to be

Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday's a closing door
You don't live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you've been
And tell your heart to beat again

Beginning
Just let that word wash over you
It's alright now
Love's healing hands have pulled you through
So get back up, take step one
Leave the darkness, feel the sun
'Cause your story's far from over
And your journey's just begun