epic breakdown

The last few days have been incredibly hard for me in every way and I lost it. Completely lost it. I am so blessed to have a father that loves the Lord and doesn't downplay my emotions. I texted him in that moment where you are rocking in a fetal position sobbing because it's more than you can take. He entered the cave and immediately sat down and said come here and held me as I sobbed all in complete silence. In that moment I didn't need words, a list of bible verses or the whole just trust Jesus lecture. I needed held when my life felt like it had shattered. I wasn't asking for a solution, just a hand to hold and a body to hug.


I couldn't even think, all I could spit out was that I can't and don't want to do this anymore and I feel like there is this tangible grasp of hope in IVIG and I can't reach it. I miss my "old" life more than anything and it's ok to be sad about that. It's hard to come to terms with and accept the different plan Jesus has for my life. I know He has far better plans that we don't understand through the hurt and pain. With everything I said; my dad's response was "I get that" and "it's ok to feel like that". "It's ok to grieve." IT'S OK TO FEEL LIKE YOUR FUTURE THAT CONTAINS ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS IS FADING AWAY AND YOUR HEART HURTS OVER THAT". Maybe God's plan doesn't involve any of your deepest desires but God is still good and in eternity it won't matter. It's ok to feel things. God cried, Job cried and David cried out to our savior with despair and we can say that these prayers were not full of butterfly's and rainbows but of deep sorrow and pain. God knows what that feels like as he experienced it right along with us on this earth, leaving glory behind for our sake. I sure wouldn't have left heaven for a bunch of idiots but yet He loves idiots enough to die for them. (I don't) (just sayin)


 My dad wishes he could fix this but he can't and that is hard as a father who longs to protect His family but in this moment he can do nothing, I can do nothing. people can do nothing.Only my heavenly father can. My destiny lies in the hands of my creator as hard as that is to comprehend. I long to have Him in person, but because that is not an option I have to practice this thing called faith that I royally suck at. The sorrow, pain, defeat, isolation, the walls of my room, the IV's, the feeding  tubes, the medications, the lack of an immune system, the feeling like death when I take these meds in the morning, the new masks, the new gloves, the belly injections, the muscle spasms, the harlequin syndrome, the surgeries and the seizures plus plenty more all has to be worked through by faith in a savior that will redeem us and take it away in his timing. Perfect timing.


My current treatment IS HELPING AND I NEVER GET TO SAY THAT. I am encouraged that these autoimmune meds are working but  the side effects of them are something I never would have imagined. My immune system is being very slowly destroyed by these meds in order to stop them from attacking me and it's brutal. We keep having to decrease dosages but as a result it allows my body more freedom to attack.


Life is just hard. Jesus come quickly, your idiots need mucho help. (I cope with sarcasm and you are welcome to join in, I will not be offended despite the seriousness of my issues)