acceptance

I realized today just how much I compare my current life to the old one. My "old" life is gone and it won't come back. This has changed me forever, even if my symptoms improve and I can function again it will never be the same as it was. It was a fun Epiphany. I realized that this is my CURRENT life so there is no point in making myself miserable by remembering and thinking about the things that I used to do and I can't anymore. Yes, I know I am allowed and should grieve with each blow this p.o.t.s gives me but I think I have passed that allowance and now need to pick myself up and accept and embrace my new life and leave "before I could do this" in the past. It's done, its over and it sucks but I like to think God is doing something big through this trial number 5,000. He was and is and always will be faithful but please pray for me because not comparing and accepting a new life that I never asked for or wanted is so hard but here I am.

He knows

Finding comfort in this today song today. (you have to click "he knows") It is one of those days I can't get out of bed and on these days iTunes becomes my bff and keeps me focused on God through my "worship" playlist. I really do rely on music to get me through this and keep my focus on God and not the things of this world. I don't know what I would do without it. God gives us the little things such as music to get us through each day and I am so thankful He doesn't abandon.

doctors and sarcasm

I choose to handle my life issues with sarcasm instead of um everything else but doctors just don't catch on a lot. My doctor walks in today and goes "so, blood clots huh?" and I said "oh yeah it was fun" He stared at me for a second before saying no, that's not fun. He then proceeds to explain my potential for death if I fall being all serious and stuff and I am sure it looked to him like I don't understand the serious nature of my current state but when you have been through so much in life that hearing the risk is an opportunity to joke or cry and I joke. I am very aware of the serious nature of having POTS and being on blood thinners but I am not going to sit here and panic because in case you haven't noticed, God has saved my life so many times and I don't think He is done with me on this earth yet.

I was told that if there is a remote possibility that I could pass out I need to crawl from bed to my destination. I am sure that would be a sight to see as I slither through my house. He basically said if I fall and hit my head on anything it would be a race against the clock to pump me full of plasma to make my blood clot before my brain swells and well death occurs. I know my reaction was not what he was expecting but ya know God can overcome anything that comes out of the doctors mouth so I had no reason to freak out. I guess it comes down to the fact that I have had so many near death experiences that God has pulled me from and I believe He will continue to do so until He is done with me so, yes I am in a SERIOUS condition but God is bigger than any life-threatening event. I know I haven't told anybody the full extent of the danger I am in but it is why I have had to turn down many hang-out moments in order to avoid death so anyone that I have turned down you now know the "real" reason for it.

Regardless, God is good and in control so I will not fear my situation and I am excited to one day see His master plan and how all of these bad pieces of my life connect but for now it's one step at a time.

Nervous system controls

I get asked a lot what the nervous system controls so here ya go:

The autonomic nervous system (ANS), also known as the visceral nervous system and involuntary nervous system, is a division of the peripheral nervous system that influences the function of internal organs.[1] The autonomic nervous system is a control system that acts largely unconsciously and regulates the heart rate, digestion, respiratory rate, pupillary response, urination, and sexual arousal. This system is the primary mechanism in control of the fight-or-flight response and its role is mediated by two different components.

All of this is supposed to be involuntary but mine does what it wants and when it wants so all of my symptoms involve one or more of the above. So, any of them could get thrown off at any point and go crazy, leaving me stuck in bed. It controls a lot more than people think and that is why my symptoms aren't consistent.

faith and trust

"I am not skilled to understand

What God has willed, what God has planned

I only know at his right hand

Stands one who is my Savior'- my savior my God

Since I live day to day and week by week I will tell you about this week. First of all, I had 3 horrible days but I don't want to focus on that right now. I have been given blessings beyond what I could have imagined for my current physical state. I am learning just how much God gives even when He is taking things away from us. He takes things away for a reason and I have begun to get more and more God given glimpses into His master plan for my life and this trial. I find peace in what He has given me by providing me with so much support from those around me and at times I can just feel Him saying "I got this. It will be okay. It will end. I am He." Faith and trust are two very different things that I feel like people lump into one. I have complete faith in my God, He is faithful and has never failed before and never will but what I struggle with is trust. Trust as in a reliance that won't be shaken. I fall so short when it comes to allowing God to completely take this trial that He has allowed in my life and do with me as He pleases.

Every time I get knocked down in this journey I come back up with a tiny bit more trust (reliance) on God to handle everything. Having faith is the easy part but we are also to trust in the one who granted us life and gives and takes away. I have no clue what is happening with my life and to me it feels like it is falling apart but I have faith He will pick up the pieces and put them together how He designed it to be. I can pretend I got it all together until all the grandmas in the world get hit by reindeer (it was oddly the first thing that popped into my head. Don't judge me!) but the reality is I have nothing. Separate from God I have and I am nothing. A lost person searching for home. I cannot heal myself and I must develop the trust to where I have faith that He is doing all of this for a reason and has a plan for it all even if it is not healing on this earth.

God has worked in some super mysterious ways in my life up until this point and I have no reason to think He will stop now. I made it through another week and that is something to be thankful for. God is good even when we don't feel Him or trust Him; that faith that we found God with is still there as a gift if we choose to us it. I am done sulking in self pity now and have decided to open that gift and see what God has in store for my life no matter how different it may be from my personal hopes and dreams. My life is God's story, not mine so let's do this.

overwhelmed

Today began with an emotional breakdown. I have lost my will to continue fighting this every day; I have no strength left in me to even begin facing today with more of the same. I am done. Rock bottom. I could never be more thankful that God is walking this path with me because He is going to have to carry me through right about now. I am at the mercy and power of God. Thankfully, He doesn't lack anything and He is able to pull me out and give me the will and strength that I need to carry on. I know He can and will do so in His timing and therefore I have hope. God is the definition of hope, without Him we would sulk in our weakness until this life is over but we don't have to because of mercy and grace. Those two things I will just have to rely on and remind myself multiple times in order to put one foot in front of the other but with Him all things are possible and I will fight and ultimately win even if it is not in this earth.

faith

Lyrics for What Faith Can Do By Kutless



Everybody falls sometimes

Gotta find the strength to rise

From the ashes and make a new beginning

Anyone can feel the ache

You think it's more than you can take

But you are stronger, stronger than you know

Don't you give up now

The sun will soon be shining

You gotta face the clouds

To find the silver lining



I've seen dreams that move the mountains

Hope that doesn't ever end

Even when the sky is falling

I've seen miracles just happen

Silent prayers get answered

Broken hearts become brand new

That's what faith can do



It doesn't matter what you've heard

Impossible is not a word

It's just a reason for someone not to try

Everybody's scared to death

When they decide to take that step

Out on the water

It'll be alright

Life is so much more

Than what your eyes are seeing

You will find your way

If you keep believing



I've seen dreams that move the mountains

Hope that doesn't ever end

Even when the sky is falling

I've seen miracles just happen

Silent prayers get answered

Broken hearts become brand new

That's what faith can do



Overcome the odds

You don't have a chance

(That's what faith can do)

When the world says you can't

It'll tell you that you can!



I've seen dreams that move the mountains

Hope that doesn't ever end

Even when the sky is falling

I've seen miracles just happen

Silent prayers get answered

Broken hearts become brand new

That's what faith can do

That's what faith can do



Even if you fall sometimes

You will have the strength to rise