faith and trust

"I am not skilled to understand

What God has willed, what God has planned

I only know at his right hand

Stands one who is my Savior'- my savior my God

Since I live day to day and week by week I will tell you about this week. First of all, I had 3 horrible days but I don't want to focus on that right now. I have been given blessings beyond what I could have imagined for my current physical state. I am learning just how much God gives even when He is taking things away from us. He takes things away for a reason and I have begun to get more and more God given glimpses into His master plan for my life and this trial. I find peace in what He has given me by providing me with so much support from those around me and at times I can just feel Him saying "I got this. It will be okay. It will end. I am He." Faith and trust are two very different things that I feel like people lump into one. I have complete faith in my God, He is faithful and has never failed before and never will but what I struggle with is trust. Trust as in a reliance that won't be shaken. I fall so short when it comes to allowing God to completely take this trial that He has allowed in my life and do with me as He pleases.

Every time I get knocked down in this journey I come back up with a tiny bit more trust (reliance) on God to handle everything. Having faith is the easy part but we are also to trust in the one who granted us life and gives and takes away. I have no clue what is happening with my life and to me it feels like it is falling apart but I have faith He will pick up the pieces and put them together how He designed it to be. I can pretend I got it all together until all the grandmas in the world get hit by reindeer (it was oddly the first thing that popped into my head. Don't judge me!) but the reality is I have nothing. Separate from God I have and I am nothing. A lost person searching for home. I cannot heal myself and I must develop the trust to where I have faith that He is doing all of this for a reason and has a plan for it all even if it is not healing on this earth.

God has worked in some super mysterious ways in my life up until this point and I have no reason to think He will stop now. I made it through another week and that is something to be thankful for. God is good even when we don't feel Him or trust Him; that faith that we found God with is still there as a gift if we choose to us it. I am done sulking in self pity now and have decided to open that gift and see what God has in store for my life no matter how different it may be from my personal hopes and dreams. My life is God's story, not mine so let's do this.