Thankful

I am learning to be thankful in every situation of life. Sometimes, God smacks you and gives you a huge reality check, or just smacks you cause He is God. I mean I would; there is a reason why I am not God. Anyways, I have a lot going on right now with my uncooperative body but in each little thing there is still happiness and joy to be found if you really look, yes, it might require some digging but it is always there and I am slowly learning to find it. Here is some things I am learning: 1. I lost my job and can't physically work anymore but I am getting long term disability which I can have for 24 months! 2. My parents kept me on there health insurance so I am not swimming in the ocean of medical debt. 3. yes, I did have to move back to my parent's but I am no longer using up all of my savings to live month to month anymore. 4. I have been blessed to have parents who can give me money loans with no interest instead of having to take them out. 5. I have two heart conditions but I am so lucky to be correctly diagnosed in a timely fashion and didn't have to wait years. 6. cardiac rehab and meds have helped a ton as far as the heart conditions go. Thanks, God. 7. with my new med I only puke twice a day...the little things. 8. my port is malfunctioning but I can still do my fluids through it; it just doesn't give up blood like it should 9. my automatic nervous system hasn't completely failed, yet. Just lots of misfires. 10. I am not in the hospital right now! I have procedures coming up but no admissions. Life can be hard but I am so thankful to have God, friends, and family and I will get through this just like I've made it through everything else. The grace of God.

pity party

I am letting myself have a pity party today. I have only left my bed a few times. I am weak and don't have it together at all. Somedays are just like that. I am worn down physically, mentally, and spiritually. I am being blunt about it because people don't share there true feelings much. They keep them hidden. I have no problem saying I am struggling through life right now. It is just hard to keep going after months and months of vomiting and dealing with 2 heart conditions and a failing nervous system. I don't always have it together and I get the "your so strong" phrase said to me a lot. Well, guess what I am not. I let myself have a self pity day because I couldn't handle trying to be cheerful anymore. I have had enough of my illnesses and the doctors and the medications. So, for those of you that tell me I am strong and I handle things so well, let me just say I don't. Life is so hard BUT I will say that God is watching over me in my best of times and my worst of times and for that I am thankful, it gives me reason to live and press on even when I want to curl up n a ball and be woken up when I am healed. Life doesn't work like that. This isn't my most cheerful post but it is how I feel right now.

Prayer requests

I have a couple specific things going on that I could really use prayer for going on. The first one is that my home cardiac rehab is ending after this week because the insurance companies will only allow for so many sessions. Some insurances separate in home therapy and outpatient therapy so that you get more sessions. Please pray that my rehab will be able to be continued even if it is outpatient. If it is not covered they are going to have me doing it myself based off what I have learned to do. The problem is I don't know when to push my body and when not to push it so the idea of me being left to fend for myself is a little intimidating. Secondly, as many of you know my body does not like to keep food in itself these days but I was blessed with 2 days of no vomiting and then today it has taken a new turn and I will spare you too many details but basically I was puking pure bile all morning. It is like nothing I have ever seen and I am waiting for my doc to get back to me about this so if you would pray for that to stop I would appreciate it because it is causing other issues like with my throat from the pure acidic-ness and is quite painful.

Another week

Mondays are hard. They is no difference physically but mentally they suck. The longer I have these syndromes the harder they get. It is the start of another week. Another who knows what will happen tomorrow, could I end up passing out or fighting to keep my blood pressure up or being so exhausted I can't move. During the weekends for some reason I can semi-forget the state my life is in but come Monday I realize it all over again and have to fight the battle some more. Face the unpredictable nature that is 2 heart conditions and a faulty nervous system. I just don't know where my life is going and I can only pray that it goes differently than what I am bracing myself for. I don't know when I will be able to drive again, if I will ever be able to work again thus ever leave my parents house and if I will have to have a port for the rest of my life. I don't know and I don't have the "freedom" that people who are healthy have to just decide to do something on a whim. As one week ends and another begins, it is another week of the pure unknown from day to day and sometimes hour to hour that gets to my spirits and brings me to a place where I just have to wait; which has never really been my thing anyway but God knows my future and what my life will look like and I know that all of this is for His glory so big girl pants go on and I try to focus on today, the here and now, the what can I do with today, not a month from now, today. I don't know what the future holds but I sure do know who holds it and I am pretty darn sure He has it all under control..............This song has always brought me encouragement and today it is needed......... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=juptsGuP3oE

Things faced when you have a chronic

Here is a couple of well said articles on chronic illness that basically sum up my life. Not really cause God exists too but ya know. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/turning-straw-gold/201312/six-common-misconceptions-about-the-chronically-ill http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/turning-straw-gold/201405/3-things-the-chronically-ill-wish-their-loved-ones-knew Sums up a lot of my feelings right there.

Ramblings

I am finding that one of the hardest things about this illness is how unpredictable it is. I could be feeling ok one minute and then the next I get hit with a wave of nausea or some symptom of my nervous system going crazy. I have to live minute to minute and it is not an easy thing. It makes it hard to fully enjoy the moments of fun and escape from my house because in the back of my mind the fact that things could go wrong on varying levels of severity at any moment is always there. The reality of this is I will always have POTS and autonomic dysfunction, I have accepted that but I can't help but wonder if that concern in the back of my mind will ever fade away. I have a lot of things that I am working on accepting whether I like it or not and I can only pray that God will give me peace as I let myself face the reality that these illnesses will always be there. I will say it is encouraging that although it is a painfully slow process I can tell that my cardiac rehab is conditioning my heart to do what it should do on it's own. I don't know how much functionality I will get back and I know there will still be bad days on this journey that is now a part of my life forever. It is daunting and overwhelming to process when I allow myself to think about the rest of my life on earth and the constant battle I will now have to face every day. Today has not been the best of days and it is days like this that I am really aware of how quickly things can change with this illness and I am reminded that this life on earth is not my final home. I have found a new appreciation for the fact that yes, I will have this forever on earth but for eternity I will be healed to live without pain and suffering for the rest of time. What a blessing and a special day that will be when I get to leave the troubles of this world behind, never to return for the rest of eternity. So, for now it is one foot in front of the other and reminding myself that God never let's go.