Ramblings

I am finding that one of the hardest things about this illness is how unpredictable it is. I could be feeling ok one minute and then the next I get hit with a wave of nausea or some symptom of my nervous system going crazy. I have to live minute to minute and it is not an easy thing. It makes it hard to fully enjoy the moments of fun and escape from my house because in the back of my mind the fact that things could go wrong on varying levels of severity at any moment is always there. The reality of this is I will always have POTS and autonomic dysfunction, I have accepted that but I can't help but wonder if that concern in the back of my mind will ever fade away. I have a lot of things that I am working on accepting whether I like it or not and I can only pray that God will give me peace as I let myself face the reality that these illnesses will always be there. I will say it is encouraging that although it is a painfully slow process I can tell that my cardiac rehab is conditioning my heart to do what it should do on it's own. I don't know how much functionality I will get back and I know there will still be bad days on this journey that is now a part of my life forever. It is daunting and overwhelming to process when I allow myself to think about the rest of my life on earth and the constant battle I will now have to face every day. Today has not been the best of days and it is days like this that I am really aware of how quickly things can change with this illness and I am reminded that this life on earth is not my final home. I have found a new appreciation for the fact that yes, I will have this forever on earth but for eternity I will be healed to live without pain and suffering for the rest of time. What a blessing and a special day that will be when I get to leave the troubles of this world behind, never to return for the rest of eternity. So, for now it is one foot in front of the other and reminding myself that God never let's go.