new life

At one point in my life I had my life "planned out" but this disease has a way of taking one thing at a time from you and there is nothing you can do about it. Social life, job, friends, rental house, standing up, walking, driving, diet, and more. There is only one thing that is the same as it was prior to my seizure, God. This new life that I am trying to accept is not an easy one and I am learning how important the fact that God doesn't change in this journey that is filled with things unknown and paths less traveled. I wish I could say that I cling to God and rely on Him for everything but to be honest I struggle with that. Letting go of what I thought my life would look like and surrendering to what God has planned for me instead is not easy. I always thought that by the time I was 24 I would be a stay at home mom, ex-nurse, and living out all the desires of my heart. Perfect little package. I'm 23 now and I am nowhere close to any of this.

I have no clue what God is doing with me and what HIS plan looks like; I know He listens to my hopes, wishes, and desires even if they are not in His plan. Growing up I heard that He grants us the desire of our heart and assumed that since God gave me such a desire for a family of my own and a longing to work in the medical field and help others that my life would look like the scenario above. I realized that maybe I might be taking that wrong when I pondered why my life is what it is today; what if MY version of desires isn't what God means when He says that? He never says that on this earth we will get the "perfect package" that is built off of our wants. He does promise that He will never leave or forsake and for now I am working on accepting my new life and learning how to trust Him no matter what life holds and watching to see what He chooses to do.

Reality

I literally thank God that the mind can be distracted. For the most part I really don't think about my situation and I just go through the day to day motions that keep me going. This is a huge blessing in disguise that never really occurred to me until today, I bet you can ask just about everyone with a chronic illness and they will say that the mental toll is so much worse than the physical pain of day to day life. Physical pain will eventually slow or stop at some point bringing much needed relief but mental pain is like the never ending, constant pain tugging on your soul all the time and leaving you broken, exhausted and running to Jesus faster than you ever thought you could. For me, my relief comes in the form of distraction, I can distract my thoughts and re-direct them and forget about how hard life really is.

Distraction doesn't always come, at times God allows me to face my reality for reasons unknown to me but I face it. Today has been one of those days where distraction doesn't come and the full weight of my life and what has changed since December 18th of last year and how hard this has been with no ending in sight. Every aspect of my daily life has been completely switched around and trampled on and the only thing that remains is my savior. I cannot be more thankful that He doesn't change and will always be the constant in my life even when it feels like everything is falling apart and my world is crashing in on me while I sit back and watch it crumble. I really have no idea where my life is going, I can only pray that it does not stay the same. The same is my worst nightmare and so much more than I think I can handle and it is. I can't handle it. I can't handle any of it but I know who can and it is the same One that has been dragging me through "the same" for over a year now. My only hope and peace can be found in Jesus's arms.

I face my reality today and I pray that tomorrow I can go back to distraction land but whatever may come good or bad my God will always be and that is more than enough. That sentence is on a loop in my brain. It is truth amongst all the lies that float around in my non distracted mind. Yes, reality is hard, I don't want to be in this condition, I want to live life and do things that a normal 23 year old would do but that isn't God's plan for me so I have to step back and surrender my version of my life to His plan. Not an easy task, the devil is sneaky and always has been there to plant a bad seed in my brain of how this will be my life forever and I should give up now because it is hard. You would think by now he would realize that he will not win, he may distract me for a time but Jesus will always kick him out. (I just pictured that occurring in my mind and it is quite hilarious)

"Every time that you wake up breathing
Every night when you close your eyes
Every day that your heart keeps beating
There's purpose for your life
So don't give up
Don't lay down
Just hold on
Don't quit now
Every breath that you take has meaning
You are here for a reason

If you spent your days just getting by
When you feel useless, He can use you
And show you what it means to be alive"-ashes remain here for a reason

My current reality could be forever it is a hard pill to swallow but as the song above says there is still purpose for my life, even if it is spent in a bed with a failing nervous system and each one of my "automatic" systems going crazy for the rest of my days. God takes nothing and makes it something. So, for those of you struggling to face your reality, I am right there with ya but there is room for peace within it all if you open your eyes and heart and search for it even when you have to say with reluctance that God is good all the time because He is and He will prove it time and time again.

faith

Trusting God when the miracle does not come, when the urgent prayer gets no answer, when there is only darkness, this is the kind of faith God values perhaps most often, this is the kind of faith that can be developed and displayed only in the midst of difficult circumstances. This is the kind of faith that cannot be shaken because it is the result of having been shaken already- Nancy Guthrie

This week has been so hard and at times I just want to give up and let my body malfunction and do nothing about it. The central nervous system controls everything which includes the amount of adrenaline it flings around causing my body to go into "fight or flight' mode over absolutely nothing. It ends in panic attacks from so much adrenaline and just all around one of the worst feelings. You literally feel like you are dying. If you have never had a legit panic attack then it is easy to say "well, just stop thinking that way" and other blah blah blah things I tune out. We are not talking a general anxiety here but a full blown attack that leaves me debilitated and unable to even think or move and leaves me in a fetal position in tears for relief.. It is all consuming. Those who have truly felt and gone through this know it stops life in it's tracks. Frozen for no rational reason.

While this horror has basically described my life for the last week and I am wearing out. The attacks have lasted for a minimum of 2 hours but more like 4-6 hours in a fetal position on my bed while trying not to puke. As I am sure you can imagine how hard this week has been considering the above scenario has occurred all day and all week. I came across this quote again and got a good dose of reality check. God is good. All the time.

control

I really struggle with trust in Jesus because let's be honest, I don't like not being in control. God is teaching me how to be still and trust that He has it all worked out. I can just sit back and watch it happen but I don't, instead I try to cut Jesus out and do it myself. With this disease I have absolutely no control over any of it's systems and I have had to learn to accept this fact all while knowing it is in my fathers arms. Here is a brief list of the things that should work correctly but don't:

I am accepting I can not do anything to solve the problems that arise in the different systems of my body. I think this is probably the best way that I will learn to trust in Jesus because man cannot cure this and I have nothing. I can't do anything about it when my heart rate is 130 and I can't breathe. There are so many things this controls that I am slowly giving it up to God because I realize how helpless I really am. Jesus created me and if it is His will He will put me back together again but if not I am in the middle of a hard reality check.

Please pray for my trust to be restored and that I will look to Him instead of my frail self. Yes, as I have been told I do have faith in Jesus even through all of this but trust and faith are two very different things and I pray that my trust will be restored and that I can and will let go of all of this with the realization that my savior will work everything out according to His plan.

fight

I'm just going to be real here, I am tired of this fight. Every day brings this battle to the surface as soon as I wake up and my symptoms start to hit me. Every single day. for over a year. I am so tired of all of it. It has been over a year and I'm still an invalidish. I am working on trusting God with my future; I had made plans and goals for myself but obviously they didn't match up with God's and slowly I am realizing that I will not be able to accomplish them. God is saying no at this point. I have no idea where my life is going and I know God has it and I just need to wait and see but the thought of being an invalid for the rest of my life is beyond what I can comprehend. I am thankful for my savior for taking over when I can't. Today has been one of those days where my current situation hits me hard. I don't want to loose years of my life to being sick again, I don't want any of this. I know that it is not about what I want but what God wants to do in my life and the lives of people around me but it is still a large pill to swallow and I am weak.


I KNOW everything is going to work out according to God's plans so that is where I am pulling my hope and faith from. God was faithful, is faithful, and will always be faithful no matter what my life looks like but pray for peace and trust while I wait on the Lord to guide me in this journey of life because I feel empty and worn down and my faith is slowly being hit hard and I am determined not to loose it and run away from God since I have done that before and it doesn't end very well but I am struggling right now so prayers are appreciated as well as verses and/or words of wisdom.

p.s yes it is a massive run on sentence. Deal with it.