Reality

I literally thank God that the mind can be distracted. For the most part I really don't think about my situation and I just go through the day to day motions that keep me going. This is a huge blessing in disguise that never really occurred to me until today, I bet you can ask just about everyone with a chronic illness and they will say that the mental toll is so much worse than the physical pain of day to day life. Physical pain will eventually slow or stop at some point bringing much needed relief but mental pain is like the never ending, constant pain tugging on your soul all the time and leaving you broken, exhausted and running to Jesus faster than you ever thought you could. For me, my relief comes in the form of distraction, I can distract my thoughts and re-direct them and forget about how hard life really is.

Distraction doesn't always come, at times God allows me to face my reality for reasons unknown to me but I face it. Today has been one of those days where distraction doesn't come and the full weight of my life and what has changed since December 18th of last year and how hard this has been with no ending in sight. Every aspect of my daily life has been completely switched around and trampled on and the only thing that remains is my savior. I cannot be more thankful that He doesn't change and will always be the constant in my life even when it feels like everything is falling apart and my world is crashing in on me while I sit back and watch it crumble. I really have no idea where my life is going, I can only pray that it does not stay the same. The same is my worst nightmare and so much more than I think I can handle and it is. I can't handle it. I can't handle any of it but I know who can and it is the same One that has been dragging me through "the same" for over a year now. My only hope and peace can be found in Jesus's arms.

I face my reality today and I pray that tomorrow I can go back to distraction land but whatever may come good or bad my God will always be and that is more than enough. That sentence is on a loop in my brain. It is truth amongst all the lies that float around in my non distracted mind. Yes, reality is hard, I don't want to be in this condition, I want to live life and do things that a normal 23 year old would do but that isn't God's plan for me so I have to step back and surrender my version of my life to His plan. Not an easy task, the devil is sneaky and always has been there to plant a bad seed in my brain of how this will be my life forever and I should give up now because it is hard. You would think by now he would realize that he will not win, he may distract me for a time but Jesus will always kick him out. (I just pictured that occurring in my mind and it is quite hilarious)

"Every time that you wake up breathing
Every night when you close your eyes
Every day that your heart keeps beating
There's purpose for your life
So don't give up
Don't lay down
Just hold on
Don't quit now
Every breath that you take has meaning
You are here for a reason

If you spent your days just getting by
When you feel useless, He can use you
And show you what it means to be alive"-ashes remain here for a reason

My current reality could be forever it is a hard pill to swallow but as the song above says there is still purpose for my life, even if it is spent in a bed with a failing nervous system and each one of my "automatic" systems going crazy for the rest of my days. God takes nothing and makes it something. So, for those of you struggling to face your reality, I am right there with ya but there is room for peace within it all if you open your eyes and heart and search for it even when you have to say with reluctance that God is good all the time because He is and He will prove it time and time again.