NOVEL warning. Suck it up and find Jesus

I went to see my neurologist today but let's takes a step back. Last night I had a total meltdown with hyperventilation and everything that comes with pure fear. I was terrified that I would not be able to make it to my appointment without collapsing and what if this is permanent? Everything went rampant in my brain. When you are young and have a lot of health issues most doctors tend to downside your issues and I really thought that would happen today. I felt like I couldn't handle being told "oh it's nothing to be concerned about, you are young enough for us to not have to really pursue things. It will go away on it's own,"

I have been told that more times than I can count as well as doctors saying I am faking things and honestly, once you have been treated that way it always stays with you and in the back of your mind "being crazy" just runs through it in everything. I have gotten to the point where it doesn't stop me from getting treatment like it used too but it is still hanging out back there. So, back to my mental breakdown: I was terrified to know that I would have to go down the stairs in the morning and get in and out of cars and it was all just too much and I was convinced I couldn't do it. My dad caught me in tears in my room because I felt like my body was giving out and I was just scared and couldn't do a thing about it.

My dad just sat there and held me and read bible verses to me until I calmed enough to breathe and talk about everything. This week has been sooo hard for me. I am tired, stressed, weak, fragile, scared, so done and losing hope. My inability to speak correctly has pulled me into an isolated corner because I just can't hold conversations. I can't walk without nearly collapsing, my speech has been stuttered with the occasional wrong word flying out of my mouth. I know what I want to say but the words were not matching up in my brain, facial twitches and complete involuntary movements.

I can't control anything, I like to pretend for most of my life that I can but really It's God's thing. Forever. I just got overwhelmed. My family has it's fair share of health issues and I have to say my dad has kept this house up and running and being there for me for everything. He just kept saying last night as I am in tears and shaking "it's ok. You are not alone, we are here for you and we will get through this. God has performed amazing miracles with you in the past so what makes you think He would give up now?!" My dad is my earthly rock. Dads, regardless of how old your daughter is she still needs to know you will always be there.

Anyways, I calmed down and was able to go to my appointment. I absolutely love my neurologist. So passionate and recognizes that I am a complex case and you cant just fa la la through my symptoms. He said he doesn't think it is from a medication so he has some other things he wants to rule out. (yay! my life)On April 2nd beginning at 1:00pm I will be having a brain MRI, EEG to test for any seizure activity, and an EKG to check on my heart. He is so thorough and with me that is what you HAVE to DO. If all of these are normal we will go back and look at my meds and see what could be doing it and play trial and error. I am thrilled about that one.

I would give specific prayer requests but that is too much so infer from everything about that.

nervous appointment coming up

Given the course of my life as a whole I know it is surprising to some to hear that I get frustrated by the medical field a lot but not as fearful as one would expect. I tend to just smile and roll through it, knowing God placed me there so that I can get help. God knew what I would face and allowed me to have no fear of the medical field or needles or anything related to medicine.

My tremors and speech issues are really bad tonight and I am scared. I have had brain damage in my past and although this doesn't compare to the seriousness of that one, the reality and memories of that fear and frustration come rushing back and it is scary. I tend to go right on through all of my other issues with frustration but not fear. This is different. I never know when a tremor is going to hit, when my face will twitch,when my hands will drop whatever I am holding because of a lack of grasping ability, when the wrong word is going to come out of my mouth even though I know what I want to say, when I am going to stutter or maybe all three together and it is scary. Brain issues have so many impacts on the body both short term and long term. Pray with me it is short term and they cam come to a diagnosis and treatment in a timely fashion and for peace while I wait. My appointment is 9am on Thursday.

No mistakes

I know most of us know think we know that God does not make mistakes. It is the basis for faith. When we as humans face trials we tend to "forget" this fact and get all tangled up in our problems and question God, convinced that He made a mistake by allowing us to go through trials. Don't doubt that at least subconsciously you feel that way. We all do at some point. Have you ever thought that maybe He is allowing you to face hard things in life for a purpose? This song lyric really hit home today as I dread dealing with all my issues.

"I am a broken and fragile me
But I'm where You want me to be"

I don't believe God allows hardship for no reason. There is a reason for everything else so why not that. He wants us in that trial for a purpose, not to get back at you for anything but a reason wrapped in love, grace and mercy even if we have sinned to get there.

blessings

I have been thinking today about how blessed I really am. Yes, I have had my fair share of trials in this life but with trials comes mercy and blessings. My body might be going crazy with a rapid heartbeat, dizziness, tremors, passing out, shortness of breathe, nausea, vomiting, headaches and chest pain confining me to my bed but I am beyond blessed to have parents that can pay for my medical needs, run up and down the stairs bringing me various things, take me to and from so many doctors appointments, and sit 6 hours in the ER with me when my blood pressures go crazy. Not everyone is blessed with that luxury and I am realizing the extent of God's mercy in my life. With every trial comes blessings but you have to take a step back and look for it in order to find it most of the time.

What it means to be "alive"

The last couple of weeks have been exhausting. It has been filled with days spent just barely getting by. I almost passed out and then spent a good 6 hours in the ER just to get a chest x ray and some blood tests done, by the time I got to see the doctor my vitals had mostly stabilized thus making the day feel pointless. I feel trapped in my own body, I am stuck in this state of nervous system failure with no "cure" in site and unless God does a miracle, I think that I will have it forever. God does do miracles and that I know VERY well. Doesn't mean He will heal me but He is the giver of life so He can do whatever He wants.

I am very thankful for this beautiful weather but I have to say it makes the reality of my situation hits me when I think back to when I could go for walks outside, go on vacations, work out, and just everything that I used to love doing in the nice weather. I can't do it anymore. I have been feeling like a vegetable lately. Stuck in my bed and unable to get up makes me feel a little useless, like I am really not a productive member of society. God has been teaching me what being "alive" means; so much more to it than I tend to think. God doesn't look at me and see a vegetated person but He sees my heart and what His plan for my life is. There is a plan! To be alive means so much more than how we tend to box it up into a cute little package and if we aren't doing the 12 things in the package then we are failing and useless. God is showing me that I need to throw away my box and stop sulking in my life circumstances and rest knowing He is God and He is in full control, I am just along for the ride.