I went to see my neurologist today but let's takes a step back. Last night I had a total meltdown with hyperventilation and everything that comes with pure fear. I was terrified that I would not be able to make it to my appointment without collapsing and what if this is permanent? Everything went rampant in my brain. When you are young and have a lot of health issues most doctors tend to downside your issues and I really thought that would happen today. I felt like I couldn't handle being told "oh it's nothing to be concerned about, you are young enough for us to not have to really pursue things. It will go away on it's own,"
I have been told that more times than I can count as well as doctors saying I am faking things and honestly, once you have been treated that way it always stays with you and in the back of your mind "being crazy" just runs through it in everything. I have gotten to the point where it doesn't stop me from getting treatment like it used too but it is still hanging out back there. So, back to my mental breakdown: I was terrified to know that I would have to go down the stairs in the morning and get in and out of cars and it was all just too much and I was convinced I couldn't do it. My dad caught me in tears in my room because I felt like my body was giving out and I was just scared and couldn't do a thing about it.
My dad just sat there and held me and read bible verses to me until I calmed enough to breathe and talk about everything. This week has been sooo hard for me. I am tired, stressed, weak, fragile, scared, so done and losing hope. My inability to speak correctly has pulled me into an isolated corner because I just can't hold conversations. I can't walk without nearly collapsing, my speech has been stuttered with the occasional wrong word flying out of my mouth. I know what I want to say but the words were not matching up in my brain, facial twitches and complete involuntary movements.
I can't control anything, I like to pretend for most of my life that I can but really It's God's thing. Forever. I just got overwhelmed. My family has it's fair share of health issues and I have to say my dad has kept this house up and running and being there for me for everything. He just kept saying last night as I am in tears and shaking "it's ok. You are not alone, we are here for you and we will get through this. God has performed amazing miracles with you in the past so what makes you think He would give up now?!" My dad is my earthly rock. Dads, regardless of how old your daughter is she still needs to know you will always be there.
Anyways, I calmed down and was able to go to my appointment. I absolutely love my neurologist. So passionate and recognizes that I am a complex case and you cant just fa la la through my symptoms. He said he doesn't think it is from a medication so he has some other things he wants to rule out. (yay! my life)On April 2nd beginning at 1:00pm I will be having a brain MRI, EEG to test for any seizure activity, and an EKG to check on my heart. He is so thorough and with me that is what you HAVE to DO. If all of these are normal we will go back and look at my meds and see what could be doing it and play trial and error. I am thrilled about that one.
I would give specific prayer requests but that is too much so infer from everything about that.
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