glory around the corner

1 Peter 4:12-13

Friends, when life gets really difficult, don’t jump to the conclusion that God isn’t on the job. Instead, be glad that you are in the very thick of what Christ experienced. This is a spiritual refining process, with glory just around the corner.


I was sitting and talking with my psychiatrist about a months worth of updates and she asked a rhetorical question of what now?


What now? I have been living this life of sorrow for over 2 years now and my nervous system is failing more and more everyday. This is my life. autonomic dysfunction consumes me but doesn't define me even when it feels like it. I basically stared at her and I had no words other than I don't know. I have a debilitating extreme (as all my docs say it's not usually this bad but I am treatment resistant, of course)  case of POTS and autonomic dysfunction.


 The Autonomic Nervous System controls the "automatic" functions of the body that we do not consciously think about, such as heart rate, blood pressure, digestion, dilation and constriction of the pupils of the eye, kidney function, and temperature control. People living with various forms of Dysautonomia have trouble regulating these systems, which can result in lightheadedness, fainting, unstable blood pressure, abnormal heart rates, malnutrition, and in severe cases, death.


 Many POTS patients also experience fatigue, headaches, lightheadedness, heart palpitations, exercise intolerance, nausea, diminished concentration, brain fog, tremulousness (shaking), syncope (fainting), coldness or pain in the extremities, chest pain and shortness of breath.  Patients can develop a reddish purple color in the legs upon standing, believed to be caused by blood pooling or poor circulation. The color change subsides upon returning to a reclined position.


There is no cure. Here is what my quality of life is:


 Physicians with expertise in treating POTS have compared the functional impairment seen in POTS patients to the impairment seen in chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD) or congestive heart failure. The quality-of-life in POTS patients is comparable to patients on dialysis for kidney failure.


I know this is lengthy but it helps you understand what I am dealing with a little more. Anyways, back to the whole what now issue. That question was a slap in the face because it made me realize that without a divine miracle this is and will be my life..forever...How in the world do you come to terms with this? You know that at some point  you will have to ACCEPT it and that alone feels impossible. To learn to be content and okay with having this and not live in constant depression means I have to do something. I have to find things that make me happy, that I can find pure joy in and things to look forward too. Right now, I know none of this. There isn't really anything for me to be happy about right now. Given all of this I am going to start seeing a Christian counselor and getting professional  help to learn these things.


Next Thursday May 19th I will be seeing this counselor and I ask that you would pray for me as I begin this treatment and learning how to put hopes in the right places. It's like what do I put my hope in now? Yes, I know Jesus. So easy to say not so easy to do and this is why I need help and why I need your prayers as I start another phase of this journey. This long, not an end in sight journey. I know this won't be easy but I know that even in my darkest days I am not alone and He knows what I need it and has the power to heal my breaking heart and already broken to pieces body.