reality checks when you don't want them

Last week and verging into this week all of my symptoms have hit full force. I try to just go about my day and go with the motions but today I was given a reality check that I don't want to hear. I was at my pulmonologist today and we were discussing my quality of life (really bad)and disability things. He said that there is almost no way they can deny it because "there is not a job in the world where you can just keep passing out" It's true and I am grateful for disability but it also hit home hearing I won't be back at work for a long time, if ever, because even with treatment they only expect you to function at 50%.

He asked me if I am driving I said no and then he asks if I am still living at home and when I answered both questions it was like someone hit me with a brick. The look on his face was a look of sadness that I am having to go backwards in life. He then just said "oh man but maybe if you could get disability you could live on your own" It got quiet for a second and he proceeded to realize that I wont be able to live alone because I could pass out and injure myself. He is a great doctor and seeing his facial expressions for my life circumstances made me realize how different my entire life will be from this point on.

My illness is not curable and I will be struggling with it my entire life. So hard to face and comprehend, I don't know what God's plan is in all of this but I know He has one. I am just feeling defeated and tired of living the way I have to live. I don't know why God allowed me to have this trial that won't end until Jesus does a miracle or I am in heaven. I don't have a single clue what my future will look like, I just pray it changes because having to live the way I am now isn't living it is more like existing. I need strength right now because honestly I feel defeated, lost, and worn down. I just want to know if this will ever end here on this earth.

Having a chronic illness brings you down to some dark places that linger for awhile and we need the strength only God can provide to keep on going even when our hearts are heavy and our mind is done.