strength

Legit vulnerable moment: Today has been defeating and particularly hard. honestly, I am broken down and the daily struggle of getting out of bed seems out of reach some days.

I get the "you are so strong" comment a lot but I am so far from it but God is strong. There are a lot of raw moments where I sit in tears because of what my life has become and what is yet to come (the unknown). Today has been hard; filled with muscle spasms at 4am, constant nausea that NEVER leaves, heart racing,and every time I stand up I can feel the blood just draining from my brain.

My cheerful attitude that I try so hard to portray is taking a beating. The waiting on test results and possible treatments is eating at my heart and mind and leaves me in a state that most of my life has been composed of, waiting. Sometimes you have to be vulnerable so people know what to pray for.

From the outside it may look like I have it together but I don't. Yes, I still love Jesus through this and He is the only one pulling me through but I would be lying if I said I am spending time with God even though I have infinite amounts of time to do so. I would be lying to say things between God and I are good. That does not mean He isn't there He is just waiting for me to fully rely on Him and I am not there yet due to sin.

There is a lot going on with my health right now...two doctors debating on what my diagnosis actually is and tests to come of course. So that's cool. Sometimes you have to be vulnerable so people know what to pray for and to break the whole Christian pleasantries of "life is great all the time" because...Jesus. It's not always great, we all have our struggles. Today has been especially rough. I woke up at 4:00 am with severe muscle spasms and bouts of nausea. I was basically walking like a nauseated penguin which I can only imagine how attractive that was.(remind me to youtube that and see if it has occurred) I was able to get a couple more hours of sleep before waking up with so much nausea and I have had to have escorts just to go the bathroom due to weakness and the threat of passing out since this brain blood loss is causing chaos.

Yes, I have my savior by my side but life can still be hard. I opened up some of my deepest thoughts and allowed myself to be vulnerable to you all instead of hiding my "bad/hard" thoughts to just fester because you never know what you say can impact others and I have been blessed to read other blogs that sound bad but are also a reminder and an encouragement.