meet me in despair

"Just Say Jesus
Whisper it now, or shout it out
However it comes out, He hears your cry
Out of nowhere He will come-you got to believe it
He will rescue you
Just call out to the Way, The Truth, The Life"-just say Jesus

Some days are just hard. I am so thankful that He will still come to our rescue when we don't have words. I know He uses this trial to help and show love and it's for my own good but it is hard to imagine how this situation could be for good. I can't imagine it but it happens anyway. Resting in the unchanging character of my God to save us and not condemn us is not easy. Should be but it's not. So far today, I am not doing so great at it but grace beyond my comprehension was laid out for me on a cross and He will meet me where I am.


I was thinking about the fact that He willingly meets us where we are and how incredible that fact is. That didn't just happen when He was fully man and on the physical earth, it happens now, it happens today, it will always happen. He loves us enough to meet us in our sin, heartache, and tears. He meets me in my despair when He doesn't have to. Have you ever walked alongside of someone in despair? It is hard because we don't want to hear it, we don't want to be brought down and shown the fallen world and it's people, we want to continue pretending that life is 50 kinds of peachy. Sitting with someone in tears because of the hand they have been dealt and trying to comfort them is just hard on the heart and nobody enjoys it.

Love. It's love that makes this hard. We don't want to see despair because we are capable of love and compassion. Now, take the person you love the most and imagine holding them as there world falls to pieces. Take that love and magnify it by 20,000 and then imagine the heartache. This is how much Jesus loves each and everyone of us, He walks alongside ALL OF US in our despair. The heartache is unimaginable. The kicker is that He doesn't have too, He could stay in His world free of pain, sorrow and tears but He doesn't. He meets us where we are anyway. He takes on the heartache without a thought of regret or a desire to turn away and pretend it isn't happening. It's the entire fallen worlds despair at once and continuous. It's continual grace and mercy. We aren't even capable of that because SOMEBODY JUST HAD TO HAVE AN ATTITUDE. Ahem. One day the attitude will be crushed and the world healed and He will no longer have to endure the heartache because those who believe will be right next to Him. Trust me, you want to be there and not with Mr. superiority and all that comes with a superiority complex. Ick. 

excursions can be deadly

I was recently asked why I don't go places, when I probably could...instead of laying in bed all the time. Others with my condition get out and do stuff despite it and I think that is what they were getting at.


Church is hard for me not all from a getting up and going situation but more of an issue of what happens when I am there...or anywhere really. To answer said person's question, when I am out of my house there is an amazing amount of stimulation happening all around me. Due to the Dysautonomia portion of my illness this stimulation sends everything into a flare up making me so sensitive to every sound, movement, and motion. I have to wear sunglasses when I am out because the sun sets it off, the sound of the cars around me seems magnified, the motion of the car is like riding a speed boat, the sight of the commotion makes my head spin and the act of being around people makes me exhausted within minutes. I am more sensitive on some days than others but in general when you put all of these things together I go downhill so fast, everything spins, my hearing goes bye bye followed by my sight fading away and then down I go.


If I am in a wheelchair or using my cane or walker I am always fighting so hard to keep things under control that I often have to lay my head down because the feeling is like being on a rollercoaster and zaps any little bit of strength I had to just keep my head up. I know people go out anyway and on occasion I will pretend to live a normal life and suck it all up and go places. You have too. Walls close in, you start talking to your cat and it talks back, you are on a direct path to insanity. Here is the root of why I don't take more risks: if I pass out it is a matter of life or death. Others can go around passing out places and although it sucks and is a horrible feeling they usually have no permanent damage. Due to high dose blood thinner injections, if I pass out and hit my head there is a 96% chance you will never see me again. My doctor tells me to crawl to places if I have to as he drills in the fact that a tap on the head can cause a brain hemorrhage and my only hope is to get bags and bags of plasma but in reality he says I probably would not survive long enough to get plasma and that if I survived I would need immediate brain surgery which would likely end in the surgeon just standing there and watching me slowly bleed out and die and he is helpless to do anything. This HAPPENS PEOPLE. Every time I see my hematologist this is said at least 3 times.


So, yeah I could take risks but I am not willing to take such a risk with my mortality at stake. It's not worth it. Everyday I have to make a choice based on how I feel of what I can or cannot do that day and it's a fine line. I do my best with this hand God dealt me by being smart about what and when I do things. So, said person there you go. My explanation that I did NOT owe you but you got it anyway.

It always has to be something....it's what I do.

mmmm yesterday. Let me vent about yesterday.


Sometimes I just need to go back to bed and pretend days didn't happen. I legit have the worst "luck" ever. I have life witnesses that see it all go down. It's true.


 1. I missed my doctor appointment yesterday because I got the time wrong.
 2. I then had an experience with the worst waitress I have ever encountered.
 3. I hate rain. It rained.
4.  My kitty had to go back to the vet for like the 4th time and has a UTI so he got an antibiotic injection and they are going to culture his urine to see what the bacteria is composed of. It could be that as the kidney stones and sludge is breaking down from his new diet; the breaking down process can cause UTI's because at the center of all these things is bacteria.
5.  Also, he might be antibiotic resistant and that's why he isn't getting better while on antibiotics thus the culture to test which antibiotic works.
6.  $$$$$$. Now I got a cat to avoid paying so many vet bills like you do with dogs. Didn't work out in my favor.
7. dropped my credit card in a puddle under the car, in front of the wheel,  thank you Jesus for the BFF finding it.
8. Cat pooped in his carrier. In the car. while it was raining. windows had to be opened because fumes. Wet car.

9. my nurse broke off a piece of my feeding tube adaptor. I called the doctor and spoke with the clueless nurse who couldn't understand that JUST the adaptor that comes on and off needs replaced.

 She thinks the whole thing will need to be replaced soooo at 12 I have to go to the surgery center to decided what needs to be done. Even if the ENTIRE thing needs replaced she said it doesn't require sedation. psshh please. This whole thing removed without anesthesia. uhhh no. As you can see it is just that little spot that says adapter that needs changed.

 it's a hole in my body, no sedation for the entire thing removed. I need smart humans to deal with my issues. So that is going to be my afternoon today. Oh goody. Just what I wanted to do.

vulnerable men rainfall

I had dreams. I had a plan laid out for my life. I had a general idea of how everyday would go. I had a job where I could tangibly be able to help people. I had a rental house and a roommate. I was loving living on my own more than anything. I could get out of bed and feel refreshed. I was working out at a gym for the first time in my life and I loved it. The list really could go on forever.


As you can see I had my path of life planned. In a minute it was torn away. I know God gives and He takes away all for my good but honestly I don't see or feel the good in my life right now. I am tired of this syndrome and worn out by life. As you may have noticed the letter "I" so many times. I have to remind myself that my plans are worth nothing because this life is not mine. It is Gods therefore everything that happens in this life He is a part of.


He knows my biggest dreams. I will be vulnerable for a moment; all I have ever wanted and dreamed of is to be a mom. I want this more than anything. I feel like this syndrome is taking that dream away from me. I struggle with the fact that my odds of finding a man that will take all of this on will take a miracle. I struggle with the thoughts of "how could I ever even meet a man while laying in bed and not leaving my house." I swear God would just have to plop the guy he chooses in my room in order for this to happen. Miracles happen right? uhh on second thought men plopping in my room is a horrible idea, creepy as can be. Lets just scratch that method and go with a miracle done in whatever way God chooses to do it. (but please God don't send guys falling like rain to my room. please and thanks)


Let's just say, I can almost feel my biggest dream fading away. Nobody wants all of this nonsense anyway. Maybe, that is not in God's will for my life, the thought crushes me a little bit but not everybody is guaranteed a spouse and a family. So there you have it my vulnerability. Major One that I rarely share. Please pray for peace and contentment  in wherever this life leads. I am struggle with my life in general and could use more prayers than ever before.

"We Believe"

In this time of desperation
When all we know is doubt and fear
There is only ONE foundation
We believe, we believe
In this broken generation
When all is dark, You help us see
There is only one salvation
We believe, we believe

We believe in God the Father
We believe in Jesus Christ
We believe in the Holy Spirit
And He's given us new life
We believe in the crucifixion
We believe that He conquered death
We believe in the resurrection
And He's comin' back again, we believe

So, let our faith be more than anthems
Greater than the songs we sing
And in our weakness and temptations
We believe, we believe!

We believe in God the Father!
We believe in Jesus Christ!
We believe in the Holy Spirit!
And He's given us new life!
We believe in the crucifixion!
We believe that He conquered death!
We believe in the resurrection!
And He's comin' back again!

Let the lost be found and the dead be raised!
In the here and now, let love invade!
Let the church live loud our God we'll say
We believe, we believe!
And the gates of hell will not prevail!
For the power of God, has torn the veil!
Now we know Your love will never fail!
We believe, we believe!

We believe in God the Father
We believe in Jesus Christ
We believe in the Holy Spirit
And He's given us new life!
We believe in the crucifixion!
We believe that He conquered death!
We believe in the resurrection!
And He's comin' back,
He's comin' back again!
He's comin' back again!
We believe!
We believe 

the end times dream

I had the oddest dream I think I have ever had on Saturday but it has given me so much comfort in my little world of unknown crisis. I am going to attempt to explain it.


I was with a group of believers in the woods hiking to a waterfall and all of a sudden the ground shook. Whoa earthquake of major proportions. Except not. The ground then begin to crack everywhere separating the people I was with from each other and we panicked as we looked around. At that moment we realized this was more than an earthquake and instant peace came over all those who believe as we watched unbelievers panic as they started falling to there death's in the giant cracks in the ground. You could barely hear the fearful screams as the ground continued to shake, violently. Amidst the terrified screamed those who believe had complete peace. No sense of sadness or compassion for those who where dying. It was like we could see the justification for it. We had only peace and oddly a sense of excitement as we realized this was it. What we have been waiting for.


Trees began falling everywhere killing thousands but never touching one believer. Instead of being  fearful we stood in awe and watched the pure power of Jesus as He returned like He promised. All of a sudden the trees stopped crashing to the ground and the earth stopped cracking and all that could be seen was a bright white light and angle wings. It was an angel with wings more massive than I ever would have imagined. We listened as he spoke to the unbelievers and said that God has chosen to have mercy and give those who refuse to believe one last chance out of pure grace. Just as quickly as the angel appeared he was gone. When all the earth movements and crashes stopped you could really hear the screams of terror. It was like nothing I've ever heard before. Constant shrilling and an obvious sense of fear like no other. (also, everyone knew and believed in heaven and hell.)


We carefully went around sharing the fact that they can be saved. The angel just said it. We stood amazed at the pure refusal and argumentative statements that these people who we were trying to save had. We where in shock thinking that surely in this moment that all would turn and believe given what they had witnessed but the majority refused. We knew they were going to hell but instead of having deep sadness over it like we do now it was  accepted as a justifiable fact that contained no sorrow. This went on for at least 30 minutes. All of a sudden the loudest burst of thunder roared from the sky as it turned pure black and you could only see by the light given of by the lightning that was striking the earth and individual people. The rain poured followed by hail the size of cars. The lightning and hail were killing off the unbelievers faster than we could comprehend.


The amazing thing is yes, we as believers were a part of this BUT not one piece of hail or lightning ever struck us. The earth started to crumble all around us and all of a sudden we were encompassed by a white light brighter than anything I have ever seen or heard of and the shrill screams of horror stopped and all that could be heard was "for it is by grace you have been saved"


Then I woke up. Like stunned. I literally laid there thinking about it for a good 30 minutes and the more I think about it the more excited I get. I am ready to go home where I belong. This earth is not and never will be my true home. For anyone that reads this please reach out. I am not saying my dream is even close to how anything is going to go down, God did not directly speak to me, I am not crazy, it is just a dream. A dream with a meaning. Don't wait. You can be saved. It is not too late but it could become too late if you do not seek the God, who created the earth, created you, and has the world in his hands. He ordains your days, you don't so please reach out to Him. If you do I promise you will find Him.


¹² I have spoken to you of earthly things and you do not believe; how then will you believe if I speak of heavenly things? ¹³ No one has ever gone into heaven except the one who came from heaven—the Son of Man.^{[e] 14} Just as Moses lifted up the snake in the wilderness, so the Son of Man must be lifted up,^{[f] 15} that everyone who believes may have eternal life in him.”^[g]
16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. ¹⁷ For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. ¹⁸ Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because they have not believed in the name of God’s one and only Son.--John 3:12-18

The name of Jesus

I'm so glad God made people to create music. So much truth can be found in lyrics. This made it's way into my soul today, it describes exactly how I  have been feeling and gives me a truth to rest in.

"when my hopes and dreams are far from me and I'm running out of faith,

I see the future I pictured slowly fade away, 

 when the tears of pain and heartache are pouring down my face,

 I find my peace in Jesus name"

My life has changed so much since POTS worked it's way in. God is literally the only thing that didn't change. I struggle everyday with what my life is and will be and feeling like I have to give up on everything I hoped and dreamed because it isn't plausible with this illness. This is never what I would have seen or wanted in my future. It brings me to tears at least once a day and it is so hard to truly get to a place where I can say that this is okay and accept it with the knowledge that God is in control. The only way I can even begin to accept this and honestly say it is okay, Your will be done, is through God. I sure can't do it alone, I've tried, didn't work out so well. Even Jesus asked for a plan B, a way out of what He knew was to come but He surrendered it all. Surrender. Yeah that. Super hard.

Finding my peace in the name of Jesus is my battle goal. It is not to be found in my hopes, my dreams, my future, my past, my present or my cure. I know a lot of people with a chronic illness who live like they will only be okay if they can find a cure. The thing is, you are not guaranteed that in this life. I learned that a long time ago. You will never be content, or joyful, or peaceful in your entire life if that is the only thing you put your hope in. You can't be. You will be constantly chasing after everything you hear that could bring a cure regardless of how implausible or ridiculous it may be. I am not saying give up on a cure, I would never say that, what I AM saying is a cure cannot be your everything. You will only find disappointment and pain this way.

I am trying to reach the point where I can honestly say that I surrender this to the One who made and saved me. I am not there yet but I am working on it.  Just because I know what NOT to put my everything in does not mean that I don't do it. I fail. I battle, I fight God's will. Satan has tainted me and he is really good at  making life extremely difficult for us with the goal of tearing us away from God and the truth but when all is said and done I know who will win this, My God. That's who. We CAN find peace in the name of Jesus, it may not be easy but it is completely possible because by grace we have been saved. (and repeat. forever.)

I deserve my chronic illness

Now that you are paying attention, it's truth. Sometimes I sit back and I look back on my life and the trials I have and continue to wrestle with and just ponder. Pondering can be good and bad depending on my vulnerability to the enemy at the time. Jesus strength comes through when Satan is overshadowed by God. mmm what power. God loves us enough to use His powers to rescue us when we are minions without brains. ( just go with it. Brain cells die off)


Back to God, when I say that I deserve my chronic illness people instantly switch gears and will say everything possible to change my mind. Especially believers. Just stop for a second and think on a deeper level. I have deserved all of this. You deserve every hardship in your life. None of us deserve to even be alive. None of us deserve to have our wrongs made right and sins washed away. We don't deserve to have Jesus help us and walk this weary road of life together with us. I don't deserve to not have my illness or to not be left alone in the battle.


The minute you start thinking you deserve anything, you are on sinking sand because basically you are saying that you don't need Jesus. The only deliverance we have is found in Jesus. His life. His death. His rising. When we who deserves nothing is made worthy of anything through the grace of God's precious gift, it's a miracle. So, yes, I deserve my chronic illness and you deserve every trial in this life but redemption and blood can wash away everything we deserve and make us whole. That is our God. That is what He came to this earth to do. He came to clean. He gives us our way out of what we deserve but this does not change the fact that we deserved it in the first place. THAT IS grace and mercy and love, such love.