faith in hard times

Tonight has not been my favorite ever. Just trying to juggle 3 separate conditions and actually live on this earth instead of just a simple existence is hard. No matter what disease you have there are high's and lows like a roller coaster. As I lay here sulking in the fact that I don't want to do this anymore and then realizing I don't have a choice which brings me down to a low point. I am told a lot that I am strong and my faith is encouraging. It might look like that from the outside but in my bubble I am struggling. Struggling to not give up on God and to trust that no matter what happens He will be with me. It's a battle and sometimes I think it sounds like I have so much faith and handle everything that I am going through in a strong Godly manner all the time but I don't. I have moments of defeat and I give up, I have moments where I feel like I cannot take this anymore, I am done. My moments don't always involve God because I push Him away and for some stupid reason I think I can do it myself. {do not try this, I promise it won't work)

Despite what it looks like on the outside, right now I am weak and my faith is dwindling. I have been dealing with this for over a year now and have a very long road ahead of me that I am stalling on because I don't want to wake up tomorrow and deal with my disease. I rarely want to wake up on the following day since without a miracle, I have to fight the battle again and I am tired. I want to throw a temper tantrum and refuse to do it but obviously life doesn't work like that because you would have a pile of adults thrashing and whining on the floor and potential injuries. (go ahead picture it happening, you know you want to)

Regardless of how I feel I know I have to resort back to facts and promises from God despite my broken mental state. Sometimes your heart isn't in the fight and you have to refer to what you KNOW about the character of God and His never ending love instead of the trial that you face. I am running purely off of my knowledge of God to get me through each day which is harder than if my heart was in it as well but that's life and my current battle that I face tonight as I sulk and get cranky over how my entire life has been hard and now we add more stuff, how fun. I know God accepts my knowledge based life right now because my heart doesn't have to be involved in order to love, cherish, and praise Him over facts of His life.

I make less sense as I go, I think my mind is a little scrambled but please pray that I stick with and always remember the facts and promises of God
and pray that my heart will catch up and be all in it as well.

Side note to anyone facing trials, read this book. You will be humbled.

http://www.amazon.com/Hardest-Peace-Expecting-Grace-Midst/dp/0781412153/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1419842369&sr=1-1&keywords=kara+tippetts