Chatham Bible Church

I am feeling so blessed to have such a support system in my life. Chatham Bible Church will ALWAYS have a special place in my heart. They walked the journey with me in the past and they are still walking right there as I battle for life again. The love and compassion that I received will never be forgotten and I stand amazed at how eager everyone is to help me in any way possible. They will bring me to doctors appointments and sit out in the waiting room (where nobody wants to be. yay so much fun!)with a selfless attitude.

Chatham has changed a lot lately and when the process first began I was so upset because church was supposed to be the only stagnant thing in my life. When my health was spiraling out of my control, I relied on the stability of the church. Well, God has a way of focusing us on what HE wants. I learned to rely on God, not church, not people, but God. He is the only thing that will NEVER change. I am amazed at how God worked through Chatham and what He continues to do in the hearts and souls of everyone.

I haven't even been able to make it to church in a long time but I feel the love and compassion in my soul to a whole different level since the changes, I really feel like people care and I think the "life is always happy' fake face is being lost, opening us up to a whole new level of companionship and comfort that we could never see before. When you face trials, even the simplest things are a big deal. They can make or break you if you let them. I cannot even say how uplifted my soul was when a group of people came to my house and prayed with me and sang hymns. Not only did I feel the love of the body of Christ but it pulled me back towards Jesus.

Bringing people to Jesus whether as new believers or old ones that veered off the track and need help getting back is what we are meant to do and I just want to say that I think the changes are pulling us toward God everyday as He continues to work in our hearts.

I am truly thankful for this group of people God has given me. Thank you to those of you that support me in any form.

Prayer Requests

As you know my body has a mind of it's own but I have some dilemmas and issues that I would appreciate prayers for:

1. That I will find a good rheumatologist because the one they referred me to can't see me for a month and considering my inflammation levels in my body are triple what they should be I really don't want to wait that long. SSM only has ONE rheumatologist so, I could use guidance as I start looking elsewhere.

2. I have been passing out more lately due to malnutrition and I am waiting to get a CT scan but my GI Dr has to talk to the neurologist to ensure I can do oral contrast with my faulty nervous system. It has been over a week and they still haven't spoke. I would like to start up physical therapy again but the dietician will not let me until I have a feeding tube. I told the GI Dr that but he wants a CT which is fine but please pray that it will all get sorted soon and I can't start to go forward.

3. back to the passing out issues: my blood is extremely thin right now so please pray that if I pass out I do not injure myself in any way.

4. Lastly, for my emotional state, I feel trapped and frustrated with everything right now. I want answers and help and Jesus's peace.

facing the unknown

Today is just not a day I want to face my everyday life. This illness is really taking it's toll both mentally and physically. I am really just emotional today because I want this over with, I don't want to live like this anymore. I feel trapped with no end in sight. Do I really have to live my entire life like this?! I just want my old life. The life where I could shop for hours and drive and work and go to the gym. I am just missing it so much. It amazes me how one syndrome and one day can change your life forever. I can't even go to walgreens without passing out these days and I am just worn out.

I know God can heal, He has done it with me so many times but I just don't know how to cope with my life right now. What if He allows me to have this forever? What will I do? I already feel like I can't take it anymore. I know God will help me through this but I just feel so defeated and broken right now. Life is hard.

please note: before everyone freaks out I am not depressed, just having one of those days where I throw myself a pity party. It happens.

but God

Sometimes this journey that I am on overwhelms me. Always waiting for the next ball to drop. I really don't know where to go from here and thinking about my future is just depressing. I seem to attract illnesses, like my whole life, I cannot do just one disease I have to do 2 or 3, I just wait for them to come because it's just what I do. Pioneer really weird diseases. Somehow God is using this for something that I am not aware of. He has too. We don't suffer needlessly.

The last couple of weeks have been really hard and because of that I have been dealing with flare ups of my anxiety and depression and I get whiny. A lot of but God's have been going on... but God I don't want this anymore has been my favorite one since finding out that I could have lupus to add to my disease inventory. I seem to have dwelt in but God land for awhile now but I was thinking today about that and I decided I need someone to follow me around and say but God every few minutes because there are good forms of but God and I have been looking at the wrong one.

...but God. I look back at my life and I have had my fair share of close calls but with each one God has brought me through and out so why would He stop now? "but God brought you through the last thing where we thought the suffering would never end and He made it happen" He is God and He is all powerful and I know He heals because I have seen it time and time again. I am not alone, despite what it feels like sometimes. I will leave off with but God is sovereign and love and hope and peace and comfort and trustworthy and an overcomer.

sinking in and my thoughts on this situation.

The POSSIBILITY that I could have an additional illness is starting to sink in today. My blood work showed triple the inflammation markers in my body. It can be from so many things so now the task of finding a cause begins. I hate this process because I am afraid of the unknown, if they come to me and say it is this diagnosis I can handle but I fear another 'we don't know"

I just can't do the "we don't know" or the "let's blame it on some random thing because we don't know and all will be peachy" I have heard that a lot lately and each one is like a slap in the face. My current situation is tricky because my blood work showed really conflicting reports (my expertise)

My levels of everything are a little off including my liver and kidney function numbers. I don't know what that is all about but my body is crazy.

Please pray for my emotional status. I just want to live, not just exist and these test results being so unclear makes me confused because it shows positive and negative results for everything. Of course. I am anxious to get into the rheumatologist and hear his interpretation of everything so please pray that it will be soon, I am waiting for them to call me back. Also pray for my joint pain and my knees giving out on me because NO FALLS is what I was told.

Being 23 and going through this is worse than when I was younger. You realize more of your life drifting away and all of the things you thought would happen just crumble such as dating, schooling and working. I always thought I would be getting married by now but I can guarantee I am a hot mess minus the hot part haha so that isn't happening and my dreams of being a nurse are gone. I am left to figure out new goals! I don't know what that looks like but I will figure it out.

I know GOD is fulfilling HIS plan for my life despite me getting in the way. One day I will be freed from this earth and I cling to that in these moments where life is just well hard. I was up the whole night puking for God only knows what reason but I know He has one so let's do this.

doctor appointments and test results

I went to see my GI on the 13th and he says that there is something wrong and he doesn't think it is what my previous doctor said "it is just one of your meds but I don't know which one"...He said a full workup has to be done and based on the results of a CT scan and lab work, we will make a decision about putting in a G tube (feeding tube)due to my weight loss.

I saw my PCP nurse practitioner yesterday due to joint pain and he got labs and just called and told me that all of my inflammation markers came back quite high so he is sending me to a rheumatologist with a suspicion of Lupus.

I don't know what I think so I shall just leave you with these nuggets of information.

Goals and prayer requests

The other day I was thinking about what my goals for my life are, long term and short term. Sometimes the gravity of my "situation" hits me like a ton of bricks. That happened while goal pondering was in action.

I have "normal" really long term goals of having a family and all that but as I was pondering I came up with the thing I miss the MOST and I want to be able to do RIGHT NOW more than anything: go out on the river in the boat with a trolling motor, with music players in plastic bags and just enjoy the scenery on the water. It is my favorite place to be (as long as I have sunscreen ahem bad story. Wear sunscreen people. 3rd degree burns are icky) I was explaining this HUGE goal to my dad I think it hit him too judging by the look on his face, I think we both realized in that moment how much my life has changed and how much I will have to fight to get anywhere close to where I used to be.

I currently feel defeated and so not ready to fight this hard and it will probably involve more and new doctors, specialists, tests and procedures, I can't stay stagnant like I am right now, it is time for the fight of my life to really begin and I am not ready but God will carry me and guide me in whatever I need to do.

Please pray for me that God will show me where to even begin because I am just overwhelmed and clueless.

Also, I have an appointment with a GI doctor on the 13th to discuss my weight loss, nausea, and lack of appetite that is making me weaker by the day so pray God will give him direction on what to do to get me nutrients and energy because I have to start with that.

I saw a dietician shortly after my weight loss stuff happened and she recommended a feeding tube which would be tons of fun as I am sure you can imagine and they never ended up doing it but it will be discussed on the 13th so big prayers for that decision.

If that is decided upon pray for wisdom on what kind to go with, I would have 3 choices with my least favorite being a torture device with a tube that goes down your nose to your stomach where they then give you baby formula. It's joyous traumatizing.

One foot in front of the other

I am so fed up with this disease. If I didn't have God I would have given up a long time ago because it feels too hard to keep going and it is outside of God. I am overwhelmed, confused, exhausted, weak, frustrated and grasping for hope. Thankfully God knows when I need hope and shows me that He has a purpose in everything even though I don't understand it.

Under my renewed hope is a battle, one that I did not sign up for and one I am not thrilled by. I don't know what to do with myself anymore and my doctor said there is nothing I can do besides what I am currently doing. Although, when I called to tell her how bad my symptoms have been the last couple of days where I almost pass out 6 times and I lost my hearing only to have it return in the form of swooshing the response I got was "well, lay in bed since you are dizzy but don't lay in bed all day". Ahem. uhhh what?! regardless, I have remained in bed due to my malnutrition, weakness, and dizzy spells because blood thinners and passing out don't mix well.

My body has gone psychotic and woke me up at 5:15 with pain in every muscle of my body and in my ear cartilage (super weird) and I am shaky and nauseated and weak and dizzy, all grand things to wake up to. So, now I am doing a bag of fluids to see if it might help. This road is never ending and I feel like I am just waiting for the next ball to drop and have something more serious occur. My strength is depleted but throughout my whole life God has shown He is really in control, not doctors, not me, Him so onward I go, I just wish it wasn't at 5am!