I hate support

The reality of not being allowed to drive for 6 months is just now really hitting me for some reason. You don't know what ya got till it's gone really is true. Needing a prescription is almost a daily occurrence and normally that is a quick 3 minute run to Walgreen's. Not anymore. It is asking my awesome roomie or one of my parents to go out of the way to get it for me. The same situation for everything. Need shampoo? Rely on others. Need groceries? Rely on others. Need to leave the house so you don't loose sanity? Rely on others. Have a stupid want that isn't a need? forget about it. Need to go to the doctor? Rely on others. Need the driveway shoveled? Rely on others. Need the trash and recycling taken out? Rely on others.

 It is not worth asking others to go out of the way for something stupid such as my recent random love affair with QT cubed ice and donuts. OK fine the donut affair is nothing recent, I have issues. QT ice on the other hand is a new one that was discovered when oral thrush invaded my mouth and throat. Ice+fungus=heaven and TMI. 

Anyways, As you can see almost everything is relying on others and I know I have the support of Chatham I would only rely on that for things such as doctor's appointments or getting me out of the house for my own sanity. I don't see the point in using that resource for the mundane things of life that require almost daily assistance. The problem is I hate relying on my roomie and my parents for stuff almost every single day. If it gets old for me it has to get old for them too. After some recent reflection I am now taking my roomie out of that daily mundane equation to the best of my ability and do the (insert parents here) thing.

I hate support. I hate it because no matter how much everyone says they will support you they will fail you. They may always DO what you need but you can tell by the sound of there voice they are annoyed about having to do it. "Support" doesn't want to listen to you whine about your problems but then is upset when they find you crying all alone. "support" says that you need to let others serve you and don't worry about it and while you try to take that advice you can sense and hear the irritation in there voice when you need them to go out in the snow or the cold to do something for you. While I say this I can say I have been just as guilty as anyone else of everything that I have ever typed about in this blog. I am not above my own complaints that's for sure. I have failed to support others who have been in similiar situations as me and of all people to step up it should have been me and I didn't and I am sorry for that. I am sorry for any of you that expected me to step up and be able to hop directly into your struggle knowing that I have been there before and God brought me through and I should have been there to do the same for you.

I am not perfect and I don't expect any of you to be. We will all fail. We will all be selfish. We will all not want to go out in the snow to help someone. We will all not want to hear others problems when we have our own to deal with. We all have our own struggles. I get it. This is mostly why I hate support. I hate having to bring people to these positions and putting them in these trains of thought. I don't want to drive myself or anyone to sin for sure and at times I feel like this situation can be a breeding ground for sinful hearts. Not really sinful behavior because on the outside I think we all look like we will rally around everyone and they will feel happy and we will feel happy and everyone is all kinds of giddy but internally in the mind and heart the feelings are different. I won't lie it has caused me to have a sinful heart on so many occasions that it almost feels constant since December 18th and I have seen it in others as well.

It is just hard. Life is hard. Everything is hard. Being 22 in the body of like a 90 year old is not normal. It is expected that you have to go pick up granny and take her to get her meds and to her doctors appointments while you and everyone else who comes in contact with her prays that her depends will stay clean for the whole trip and then if she is senile enough and you can afford it you put her in a nursing home where the mundane daily tasks are taken care of by others that you pay to do it. Well, I am not quite to nursing home status yet but give me a few more near death brain damage episodes and I might just get there!!!

Hopefully, I don't offend anyone with my humor because I have to do it or I will cry and I refuse to do that. The point of this is really just me venting some of the stuff running through my heart and soul but it is also a thank you to those who are there for me for the mundane and non mundane activities. Starting with my three mundane helpers!!! For starters, my mom has been my personal driver to and from doctors appointments and hospital tests which requires patience because hospital time is unlike anything else and with her own health issues it is hard for her but she does it anyway and buys me expensive signs that make me smile without thinking twice or really without thinking of what dad might have to say about the cost of said sign. Secondly, my dad who is my rx picker upper and "somehow" (God) always ends up catching me when I am off huddling by myself crying somewhere in a corner because I don't want anyone to know but then he catches me and holds me on the couch for an hour like I'm a baby again until I am calm. My last and possibly my currently most important support is the roomie. She always makes me laugh without fail like I am pretty sure that when we talked on the phone after my seizure while I was still fairly confused and in the hospital I almost peed in my pants from laughing after IV fluids and how painfully long it takes the tech to get there to turn off my butt pad so it didn't yell at me to "sit down. Do not get up until assistance arrives. sit down please".  She does the trash and recycling and shovels the driveway like a boss! Like legit boss.  I could not be more thankful that God put her in my life back in 7th grade knowing that I (and thus her) would have to face all this crap thrown into our friendship. He knew what He was doing because she is my only friend that has been around and is sticking this out with me. It is hard, really really hard and not something that a friend should have to deal with at all but this girl takes it all like a boss just like everything else and I could not do it if she was weak hahahahahaha Thanks friend for being there and being strong while I am whiny and weak and you suck it up and move on. Hey, one of us has too!!!!