I must still live life: the life of a rebel

So, yesterday I decided to be a rebel and not listen to my doctor. You see this weird dandruff that keeps falling from the sky is really messing up the world. The roommate was at work and I was laying in my bed that is now my command center like I always am. I looked outside to see that this dandruff had made it so that said roomate couldn't pull in the driveway and would have to park on the street then shovel at 2am. Now our neighborhood is very safe minus a chicken coup/crack head house caddy corner but we won't talk about that. I got really sad when I looked outside and realized my roomy would have to do that.

I went back and forth in my mind, do it, don't do it, do it. The do it won. I told myself do what I can and if things get bad at least some would be shoveled. People with OCD should know better than to say such things. I went out at 12:15pm and finished at 2:18 and have decaying physically ever since. I am trying not to show how bad I feel around my house because it doesn't help anything to make the people around you miserable as well. However, it gave me a huge mental satisfaction knowing that I could shouldn't have done it but I did without passing out. I caught my form of a red dot yesterday in realizing that I have to follow my docs instructions but I also have to do what is best for my mental health. It's a shaking red dot that goes back and forth and one day I will find the correct ratio of activity and catch that red dot once and for all.

Will I be an idiot and shovel the driveway again? umm no bad idea but I will with each day try to have a happy attitude and at least accomplish one thing whether it's the dishes or laundry or cleaning the cat box. I am aware that these are everyday activities but my body hates them and they make me feel like crap. Luckily they aren't life threatening side effects to my heart other than I could pass out somewhere and hit my head or some stupid thing like that, really the only thing it does is weakens my heart and makes my condition worse. I know bad. BUT I have to live. I can't let this stop me from living at all, I have to get up and do at least one thing productive day or I am not living. I am a beached whale staring and moving my head as the little red dot moves and I can't catch it. Time to change my attitude and find the balance that is best for me and right now doctors orders of stay laying down at all times isn't it. I am changing it to most of the time so I feel like I  have a purpose in life and am a part of society. So here I go being a rebel and just sucking it up the best I can. My move of shoveling I will admit lacked common sense and was a stupid idea but I did feel beyond accomplished!