puzzles and having a really hard time

My current emotional state is  the equivalent of an adult contemplating how to fix a 1,000 piece puzzle that a 2 year old tried to put together with duck tape to connect the pieces.  Basically a mess. I can't think of what I have to do and in what order right now without having an instant anxiety attack. This means I am having about three a day and if you have ever witnessed one it is not pretty. Crying, hyperventilating, shaking, occasional puking, and if it goes long enough I have passed out before. Luckily due to medications I only have the first 3 symptoms these days but when you have 10ish minutes of that 3x's a day combined with a heart condition and a faulty nervous system it is a slight problem.


I am at "that point' ya know the one where you break into the above massive deformed puzzle and God has to fix you and He is your only hope given ya know kids and duck tape would be a total disaster for any adult. I have 4 saved deeper and happier (gasp. I know you are all beginning to think I am emo) blog posts that I don't even have the motivation or desire to post. My point is I am so picking tired. Tired of sitting on the couch, tired of laying in my bed, tired of not leaving my house, tired of not making steps forward, tired of becoming so much fatter that my fat pants no longer fit, tired of the possibility that I will have to join a nudist community soon because I can't find clothes, tired of having to sit on the bathroom floor for 10 min after a shower so I can breath, tired of bothering those around me, tired of looking for a PT to take my case, tired of BJC making my life 20x's more difficult, tired of being tired, tired of feeling alone, tired of fighting for disability and living off savings, and I am just tired of EVERYTHING. LIFE. I feel like curling up in a ball until this is all done but since that isn't really possible the closest thing to it is GOD TAKE THIS AND GIVE ME STRENGTH TO KEEP BREATHING AND GET THROUGH EVERY MINUTE WHETHER I AM DEFEATED OR NOT cause I sure can't do it I already proved that to myself as I sit in my curled up ball right now unable to think or move or process all I can do is cry because I don't want to be on the couch but don't have the strength to get off it. God, I need you NOW. like legit NOW and stay here and hold me; well, after we uncurl this whole fetal ball position cause that could lead to back problems.

 "'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near

What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise"