And I know that you can give me rest, So I cry out with all that I have left.

I think it's because I have been through so many health explosions that now when they just happen I am just like yeah ok 10-4 copy that in a very casual manner. I think that is also why people tell me that I handle things so"well" and why my dad was asked when I had my seizure why he wasn't or didn't completely panic and loose it. We both get asked about our reactions to these things I think every time they occur. My dad has been through so much with me and had so many of "those" phone calls that if he flipped out he would have had a massive coronary by now and what good does that do for me or him. I need him to be calm enough to have his sense of humor when he shows up and he doesn't need to do that to his body he just needs to pray on his way no flip out. I just say yeah ok because it's kind of like another day in my life at first. but that fades and the point of this post is that fading part. I don't take it hard and people think I don;t even hear what was told to me at first but I have received a lot of you have this and this is your crappy path so it's just like being on repeat.

Eventually though it hits. When it does it hits hard. Harder than it normally would because I add on everything else I have been through and say why can't all that be enough why do I have to do this one too. I am only 22 and people say the 20's are supposed to be the best years of your life where you work, "party", go on trips with friends, be out on your own, fall in love, and start moving toward marriage. I can't work, party, or really go on outings and I can't say that the prednisone fattened, 20 pills a day intaker, mostly couch ridden, PICC line dangling and generally ill and tired person that I am is attractive and going to put me on any guys radar besides God's so even though there is still quite a few years left in my 20's I can only pray that the second half gets better and closer to that thing they consider normal. Right about now is where the reality of my diagnosis goes from 10-4 copy that to grief and reality. I'm tired and the fight has just begun with my PICC line being put in next week and PT starting shortly there after. I have to fight and I have fought before and I will do it again but the memories of all of my bazillion fights of my past makes the thought of this one a very daunting one. I have had quite a few healthy emotional breakdowns just because I am tired of living like this, I don't want to do it anymore and I don't want to face the long road ahead. I just don't want any of it. It's not about what I want though it's about what God has allowed me to go through and for that I will do what I have to do from one day to the next whether it is with joy or obedience I am doing it because God wants me to and has allowed this trial in my life for a reason so I can't give up because who knows what He is using it for.

I will still have my days of tears and my days of determination to fight and both are okay because no matter what God allowed this so He isn't leaving me in something He allowed even if I stray away He will still be there trying to drag me back and reminding me He didn't throw this at me and run away.

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

My prayers are wearing thin
Yeah, I’m worn
Even before the day begins
Yeah, I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn

Though I’m worn
Yeah I’m worn