These last 2 weeks have been a challenge. I got my port put in Last Monday and the procedure itself went well but the pain afterwards was way more than I was expecting. I couldn't really move my neck for a few days.The home care nurse came the day after my surgery and accessed the port for the first time which was an odd experience; since it was s o new it was sore as she pressed around trying to locate it but the actual needle part was not bad and then that was it which was amazing compared to 20 IV tries. The weird part is beyond the initial sting of the large needle you also can feel internally when it pops into the port. super weird.
Then I got a massive welting rash across my neck where the band-aid was and it shows no signs of going away and I have a horrible rash underneath the tegaderm that drives me crazy because there is nothing I can take for it and I can't scratch it. Pure torture. Add to that a wound that OF COURSE is not healing properly because I had excessive swelling (go figure) which produced tissue fluid and when steri-strips get wet they come off so they did quite early so now I have bleeding and tissue fluid that builds up under my tegaderm irritating said rash even more. It all just looks nasty. So today I have to make a follow up with the surgeon so he could take a look at the wound since it won't close yippee.
Due to these weird rashes and welts probably from an allergic reaction to something except I have never been allergic to latex. band-aids, steri-strips, tegaderm, tape, alcohol preps or anything like that and I have had them and dealt with them on a regular basis. So, off I go to an allergist who is going to search for skin condition's and an autoimmune disease. I also have to see a GI Dr. because I keep getting oral thrush for no reason that we can find so my pulmonologist thinks that it is possible that there is one piece of fungus/thrush hanging out down in my esophagus that almost goes away when I go on meds but then it is stubborn and goes viral and goes from the bottom of my esophagus to my mouth which is why I have had oral thrush like 4 times recently for no reason. So that is 3 appointments which will happen soon.
Today, I went up to work to say my final goodbyes and turn in my ID. This did not go as I had expected because it was supposed to happen before that but some "issues" occurred and I was very disappointed in the experience altogether. I felt like I was fired on bad terms and was illegally being allowed to grab my stuff and be escorted all the way to my car by 4 security officers. Where I am still on FMLA and my termination date due to lack of FMLA time is April 18th. I am still an employee just on FMLA anyway. so I came in today and was escorted to the kitchen where they had packed up all of my stuff for me in a box. All of my stuff was not in the box and I was not allowed to go back to my desk to gather my own things my manager had to do it. All of my personal property had to be collected by someone other than me. Kinda makes one feel violated. Not only was some of my property not in the box they had to go hunt my stethoscope that I paid a lot of money for like over $100 and as it turns out someone had been using it the whole time I was off. Feeling very violated. Also none of the staff was sent a quick email letting them know if they had 2 seconds they could stop in and say goodbye. Let me just say that almost every other staff member that left got some form of a party I told my manager I don't need a party but I deserve to say goodbye to everyone. Well, when the parties occur an email goes out saying come back on your lunch and say goodbye. I don't get that much so I did not get to say goodbye to a lot of the people that I considered my 2nd family. I considered IMS my second family and felt loved but the true feelings really come out in the end and despite you all personally witnessing my seizure I get treated like I don't belong. I am sad that it has to end this way but it also shows me that maybe God has better plans for me. When you hand in a badge and you get a oh ok and the manager walks away it's time. I love my ex co-workers/ family though and always will so feel free to contact me at any time.
Lastly, I found out that the company representing me for my state disability called and said that they cannot because my Dr is stating that after 7-9 months of PT I should be able to hold a sitting job position. You have to be unable to work for a solid year to be considered for state disability. She also wrote that I will have to have periodic days off due to my illness if the symptoms are too severe. So, let me walk into this employer's office with my resume, sit down, and explain that I have an illness that requires that I sit the whole day and that I could miss work 1-4 days a month from the very beginning due to my illness. Yes, I am aware that FMLA benefits do not apply until you have worked for a total of one year and I am also aware that you have plenty of other applicants who can pick up a phone and talk just like me but would you like to hire me anyway? This will go well.
As far as I know my LTD is still in effect and will kick in sometime in April which will be a Godsend. Please pray with me that nothing crazy will try to be pulled to get out of having to pay that because it is a posssibility.
Right about now I am feeling very sad, overwhelmed, and overall just broken. I feel like one area of my life is on each individual card in a 50 card deck and it was just decided to play 50 card pick up so who knows what order they will get collected or when. Crumbled, I can't even think about the near future let alone the distant one. I am 22 but for now I have to live like I am 80 and I hate it. Honestly, I hate the spot that God has allowed me to be in....AGAIN. I really do. It is ok for me to hate it, I don't have to like and I would be a weirdo if I did. I do have to just remember God is good no matter what in my brain. If it goes to my heart that's great but for now it is chillin in my brain because that is all I can do right now. That is the only hope I have to cling to and with everything in me I will cling to it because without hope I have no point in living.
In case you forgot let me remind you. Your life as it is now is not promised to remain as it is for the next 5 seconds. You could finish reading this and get a phone call that could change everything. You could pass out in the next 3 minutes and find out you have cancer and it is terminal. You could suffer severe brain damage in a car accident tomorrow and your life will never be the same. Your child could become ill and you must enter into a battle you never imagined you would ever have to fight. All of you who just read that I am sure are cringing because you did forget. You forgot how fragile life is and everyone is not promised to live 80 years. Along with your forgetting you probably forgot where you or loved ones will go if tomorrow is the time for that fatal car accident. think about it. Do you know without a doubt or do you have a sense of fear lurking when I mentioned your ill child where would he or she go? I can tell you right now if God chooses to end my life I have no fear and no sense of doubt in fact I look forward to that day when the troubles we face on this earth will be gone. Do you feel that same peace? There is only one person it can come from and if you fear where your children or your wife or yourself will go when this life ends whether it is ended too soon or they live to be 80 and I would gladly tell you. Don't wait. You may not have time to wait. You can reach out to God himself in this moment and He will answer, I am not the go to, God is you can talk to Him yourself, He won't turn His back on you no matter who you are or what you have done. Life is short. Don't wait.
My email: allhartmanmovip@gmail.com
No comments:
Post a Comment