I haven't felt like blogging so I didn't. Be glad because when I do it gets weird and I will talk about poop or urine or my cats or how I was really curious to see what a prostate looks like once it is removed from the body, obviously. Too icky otherwise to speak about. I am speechless because it is a nearly impossible thing to find. I might have found one but I can't tell if it is in it's natural state or altered by a tumor. NOW YOU SEE THE PROBLEM! but really since when does the internet not have a pic of something?!?!? MOVING ON
I am still not entirely sure how I feel about blogging today cause I kind of feel like crap but an update is deserved and it will be done mostly the easy way for example below is a multiple used description of how my appointment with my surgeon went so we will reuse it AGAIN. YAY:
Really late and I am really sorry but my appointment with surgeon went great! He came in very skeptical asking why I needed a port, then needed to know what pots stood for, then skeptically asked who diagnosed me when I said Dr. Quattromani his whole demeanor changed and he said well she is the best in the state so go on and he wanted to know the prognosis because he was assuming this port was a 1... month deal when I explained lifelong with possible but hard to achieve remissions he just goes that is just crazy and you are only 22! Yup. I am aware. Even being skeptical he was very nice and gladly agreed to put in a port on my left side by my clavicle bone on Monday at 7:30. Thanks God for ultimately giving me the best doc even if I did have to see Dr. idiot first.
As you can imagine I am very ready for this surgery so that I stop looking like this: (reminder: God has blessed me with a lack of sensation on both of my arms so only one of these hurt *the wrist* but also God has given me a high pain tolerance for needles specifically as long as they are not going in my mouth so it looks very painful but for the most part was not) There are more just spread out so I look like I shoot up ALL the time. Is it ok to pretend like I am in a super awesome weird gang that nobody has heard of but we are rich and secretly rule the world and shoot up all the time? probably not. I did for about 10 minutes and decided the thug life is not all it's cracked up to be. Besides, I think I will let God take over this whole ruling the world thing because people are stupid and I have a hard time dealing with stupid people like in Walgreens where you want to carry them to the back and dump them in the Goodwill donation box since they cannot contribute good things towards society. See, being God is not my thing.
Lastly, I just realized that once I get my port in my battle really begins and I'm already done. Ince the port is in I start rehab what rehab will do is retrain my entire system well as a part of that no matter how slow they take it the rehab that will probably last a year is said to be the worst thing ever because it has to mess up my system to retrain it so every time I do I will feel like I did back at the very beginning before I even had heart and BP meds with the feelings of passing out but hopefully the meds will be at the right level so I won't but inability to walk more than a few steps without leaning against a wall, feeling like I can't breathe at all times, puking a lot, bp drops, the whole thing that I have fought so hard to get even just a little bit under control will feel like it is super charged again.
My bad day song will be on repeat a lot I have a feeling and I already know that this is going to break me to my core to where I have nothing left besides my savior and my God. I already know I won't feel him there because I will be upset and frustrated and done with everything and will have to fall back on my pure knowledge that I KNOW in my heart and brain He is there and find hope to face the next day in that and not in feelings. It is now real and my days of not feeling like death are numbered as I approach physical therapy time but in the end other than a miracle it is my shot towards a semi normal life and at 22 I have a whole life ahead so c'mon God go get your leash ready and you might need a pinch collar to drag me through this.
I will look like this. Hey God is strong!
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