happy happy joy joy..not

This one should be quick it is really just a quick rant. So if you haven't noticed my blogs are not joyful and exciting and happy to read so I am sure some have stopped reading due to that exact reason. So be it if you don't want to share in each others suffering and would rather hear that life is grand and I just won the lottery and will now donate a million dollars to everyone who is still reading this. now what. Anyways, today is a thoughtful day because I don't have anything to do at all. No doctors to see today! Thoughts can be good and bad because I am realizing how much God has come through in the end after I have to go through about 5 hoops that seem to eat at my soul each time but He has come through in miraculous ways and I have seen more God moments since this began than I have in my entire life.

There is also the bad. The realization of childhood friends going to cool places to get cool jobs while others do more missions type stuff with kids and just start planning there lives finally after being burnt out on school for so long. The joy I have for them is overwhelming and I am so proud of them all for there hard work and dedication to get to where they are today. I also had to face the realization of my future. or lack thereof. I have one but it is filled with unknowns and kind of like being in a round a bout with 6 roads you could ghetto whip onto but none of them are fun or where "I" want to be. From my non Godly perspective they all take years to travel on and they are filled with bumps and flat tires and possibly a car crash thrown in there too. My dad has told me countless times to focus on the now which I never do so I don't know why he tries but the now and the later do not leave me with warm fuzzy feelings. I don't know what it will look like and I have also been told not to guess haha I'm a women do you want to repeat that but I know I am not the happiest person in writing. I am more happy in person where you put your happy face on anytime you go in public but I just ask for prayers specifically right now for peace of mind. I am filled with emotions from sadness to worry to fear everything and I have to find my peace in Jesus so that is my prayer request for today. thanks.