I know God has my life in His hands because it has been proven over and over ever since birth. I have had so many near death experiences and God chooses to keep me on the earth for a purpose, I may not understand the whole picture but it is part of His plan for me; it's a perfect plan in His eyes. I have had one occasion when I was 17 I think where I gave up and decided God left me and I can't do this life anymore. I will only give details in person and you are welcome to ask, I just don't want it in cyber world right now.
Giving up on God was by far the worst time in my life. I had no hope or peace and my will to fight was gone, I was done but God wasn't. I don't know why I have to continue to go through all of these things where I must fight but I do know it's not in vain, God has shown me glimpses of himself in the times where I am weak. A tiny glimpse straight from God tends to instantly build you up when you are down and He knows when I need it and provides. Don't give up on God, I promise He is doing something up there on His thrown.
This current trial of life that I am on makes negative sense to me but I know God is guiding me through a very hard time for His glory. In the end, everything will be for the glory of God because He's just cool like that. Some days I just go through the motions of another finger stick, another infusion, more meds, more tests and doctors appointments. It all becomes routine after awhile and you learn to accept that this is your life and you have to put one foot in front of the other. I learned my lesson and instead of running away I turn to the only hope I will ever have and He drags me through another part of His master plan on a daily basis.
Most of the time I just go through the motions but today was different; all of a sudden the weight and reality of my past, present, and unknown future has hit me like a ton of bricks. Realizing that this has no cure and this could be how my life on this earth is going to go, forever. At 23, forever seems so big and overwelming and I catch myself saying that I can't do forever, I just can't. It is true, I can't but God; just like He has shown me before, he will be faithful through it all.
Today has been hard as the reality hit me and I am overwhelmed by what my current and future life with this will be. When I get overwhelmed I crash. I Won't talk to people and basically I camp out in my room by myself to process it all, but the creator of my life gives me another nugget of love and peace everytime to endure whatever comes my way. That doesn't mean my heart is instantly changed. This is hard and feels like an incurable and hopeless situation and I grieve over everything I have lost and realizing my dreams for my life may or may not happen. I have always wanted to be married and have kids and it will take some God networking for me to find someone who would walk this with me because then it becomes his journey and I can't say it is a fun one. I was also just told due to my blood clot that regardless of when but whenever I do become pregnant I will automatically be sent to a high risk doctor.
As I list my dream up there I realize that with God all things are possible and He didn't ditch me and is quite aware of every hope and dream I have but ultimately my entire life is in the hands of Jesus to do as He pleases... { hyu/} ahem Henry says hi.... I feel super clueless as of right now and I struggle enough to get through one day. Even though I don't feel it right now I KNOW God is with me in everything and He will not leave or abandon me so onto the next day I go (get dragged) because I don't want to. It's not always about feelings but about knowing and believing the truths Jesus left for us to stand on.
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